What is important to you about the story of my spiritual journey…
Almost two decades ago, I came to my first experience in spiritual hypnosis. I was quite unprepared, that is I only just began my personal quest, and had just a few questions to my spiritual guidance. Honestly, I didn’t know what to ask. Should I ask: Who am I? That seemed contrived, and I really didn’t think it was a good way to start… Really, working with clients for years, and a business owner, I had known a feeling of being successful not once or twice in my life…. And today what I wanted to know, was primarily about the truth of my path, about my mission, my purpose, otherwise known as a fundamental question of direction.
Reflecting upon my life, my journey in it seemed largely unplanned, as if things, situations and people just sprung themselves onto me. I only had a general idea of what is good or not good yet had little to do with the way what I call now – how to make a decision. Even though, by that time I read the books by Michael Newton, I was ready to make a new discovery and craved an experience of my own in the realm of wisdom. I knew well enough that I could not have other people’s experience, described in the book, and that I had great imagination to help me have my own journey to connect with my soul’s purpose.
As a professional hypnotist, I knew that preparation is key. Today, I recognize that there is a difference between preparation for a session and a level of personal preparedness that makes a difference in detail of the journey in the session. Then, I just followed the lead of what I later discovered was my guides pushing me to know. I was ready to my spiritual regression to become a profound experience of transpersonal awareness that later changed not only my career direction, but my whole life.
My facilitator began with her gentle leading me into the deep profound state of hypnosis. I easily drifted off into a pleasant relaxed state. Later I discovered that it doesn’t take long to reach the state of illuminated discovery, having done my share of fascinating neuro-scientific studies.
My experience into a light trance and then deeper state of awareness went on with my constant oscillation between conscious thought and curiosity to find out more. I quickly realized that in order to have the experience I want, which is the information I was seeking from my higher awareness, I needed to stop analyzing, to give up my constant mental chatter, internal questioning and judgement and let go of the trying to understand how things happen.
When I made that decision I dropped into the deepest trance immediately. I quickly began to have physical sensations of weightlessness and floating in my body, inner awareness of connecting to a high plane with awe, tingle and tears….
Suddenly I saw them.
In my body it felt like an amazing floating in space, somewhere in between time. I am witnessing a series of moving pictures, watching the action out there, all from the inside of myself, with full ability to see the parts of my body in active motion, moving around, changing positions and hearing my voice speaking with someone very familiar, as if I walked into a body ( or was it spirit?) that moves and acts and I just watch it, in conversation with someone whom I saw very clearly in front of me, although on the physical plane, from the outside to my facilitator, I looked motionless and quiet.
I began to recognize that there are some figures in front of me. I stood before an auditorium of 9 old men, all uniformly wearing white long belted gowns with long sleeves, and who were sitting behind a long semi-circular table. Although I was in a place with no floor, no walls, and no ceiling, there was a sensation of standing. and the light coming from one side, as if from a window very high up, and that window was unusually huge, and the light was so bright, it hurt my eyes.
There was an air of wisdom, knowledge and eternity. Suddenly I experienced a very pleasant sensation of love, to be exact, of being loved. It seemed so odd to feel that, yet that was it. That enormous love brought tears to my eyes and I calmed down feeling the enormity of that love that was sent to me.
I was so loved that it was incredible, yet I knew, all that was for me! And momentarily there was an awareness that I deserved it, not from my ego stand point, but from the point of view of the Universe. These 9 representatives of the Universe are here to show me just that.
For a moment, a thought came, “Neah, I am imagining this,” and then immediately, as if someone responded, “Come on! see what else you can experience, be curious, go on!” I brought my attention back to the white scene in front of me. It felt strange and unusual, and I just stood there… In awe… I had no question in my mind, not even about what it all means… while drifting off again and again into this picture…. as if it were a still frame of these wise men and the LOVE I felt being there… Strangely, I began to have a sensation that I already know all the answers to all the questions I was about to ask, and none of the questions seemed relevant or even remotely interesting from this position…
I felt loved, nurtured, safe, secure, and comforted. I looked at those wise men and noticed the man in the middle, standing. He seemed bolding, a little chubby and somehow funny, although he had authoritative presence.
The man gave me a wink and a smile. I heard of the angelic sense of humor before, yet I felt my eyebrows going up in surprise. Then he put on his glasses, the two circles, on the edge of this nose, and looked through his papers (OMG! papers?) Then, looking at me above the glasses, he said: “You are doing good… Bringing Good… Good!”
Good, I though? Good? O, GOOOD!!!!!!
There was nothing patronizing in his comment, or in the tone of voice.
I felt elated.
In fact, in that moment I felt really proud to be assessed as doing “good”… “Wow, they ARE real!” I thought with my omnipresent conscious analytical mind.
I then thought: “Here I am in front of the …”Elders”. WOW! Finally, I stood in front of the cleverest wisest spirit representation in the Universe, the Collective Unconscious, the bank of Universal Information, Cosmic Intelligence… I did want this, didn’t I? But for what?… Wait…Questions-answers….What did I want to ask here?… Oh, yes…. The Question: What is my purpose?… Although in that moment, it sounded sort of flat and irrelevant. I noticed that I was very deeply happy to just stand there experiencing this peace and love, and feeling safe in doing my best.
“Purpose?” He said, “He he he… Well… Here”…..
I began to experience a multitude of sensations ( physical sensations!) oscillating with tremendous speed anywhere between feeling accomplished in my serving others, feeling peaceful in my heart, feeling free with no thoughts, and no worries, feeling loving, sympathizing with all others, compassionate with the rest of the world, ready to be giving myself to further service to others, teaching the skills I know are important, so they can fulfill themselves, and to share all that I know, sort of like that what I did back in my youth years with my friends, when we all gathered for dinners at my parents’ house on a moment’s notice, stayed over in each others houses on random nights, shared money, food and clothes, to the dismay of my mother, who complained about my readiness to give myself away to people… So I did that then! That was why I felt so free and at peace, in the flow, back then…
Right now I felt so much love for my mother, forgiving her, with enormous gratitude, and my father, as the bright light became even brighter, and I felt a sense of my importance in this allowing the past go into the past, and making helping others BRINGING GOOD my profession. I felt the sense of responsibility that I am about to commit to something really big. It seemed as if it were an enormous sense of high level of responsibility, responsibility for all that I do, think, say, and even the way I breathe…..
The enormity of the experience was thrilling, and… well, ENORMOUS! It was suddenly so big that it scared me at the same time. I was thrilled that I was chosen for such high responsibility and then I became more scared then thrilled with adopting this responsibility. It seemed like a huge task that I thought that they made a mistake. ONE PERSON CANNOT TAKE ALL THIS RESPONSIBILITY.
Yes, for sure, I certainly could not have been chosen for this task with this enormous responsibility. I am just a fragile girl…
I felt I had to stop this mistake right now. It became a very important issue for me now. And I screamed: “Wait! Stop! I can’t! I don’t want it! Take it away! It’s not for me!” I cried and begged to take it back and… EXCHANGE it to something less, please, for me!
Take it back and give me another, a couple of sizes smaller, I thought, like you would exchange clothes in a store. It seemed simple to do that, but NOT the right thing to do. It felt so wrong to ask that yet I couldn’t accept what they offered. There was a moment of an uncomfortable silence that seemingly lasted forever! I was not prepared for a big proposal. All I could think of was that I definitely did not want my mission.
Then I thought that next thought: “Take is back!” and as soon as I thought it, peace, silence and pause-to-slow motion suspended animation immediately came upon me. Silence rang in my ears. I felt myself immediately suspended in a floating state, accompanied by the strange freeing sensation of endless unreasonable happiness, almost silly giddy laughter, and vacuum of peaceful loving sensation around me. I was basking in love. I denied my mission and I was loved ANYWAY!!! The only sensation filled this vacuum was suspended happiness.
And it lasted… and lasted… and lasted…
I basked in this happy state and I was quite aware of the silence in the room at that point. I knew that my facilitator just waited for me to make the next move and that the whole roomful of elderly figures sitting on the cloud in front of me, on some other plain, also waited.
It was up to me to make that next move.
But I didn’t care. I hung in that space of happiness and enjoyed myself. What could be better??? I never felt so good before. This was better, higher, more profound than any sensation I know on a human plane. I thought to myself that THIS is the ultimate… enlightenment…. yes, this is what I want. This…is…what…I…want….
I felt the warm sensation on my cheeks. They were wet and tingly. Tears, I thought, why? Tears steamed down my cheeks but I did not feel sad. The sensation of warmth pulsing inside me produced tears. It accompanied unconditional peace, love and light, weightlessness and bright light around me. I was happy and connected and loved.
I finally felt in all fullness how much I am loved, I felt so loved. Finally I realized that I am loved for being me, not because I did something awesome, or deserved it in any way, but because I am me, and I am here, alive. I felt a part of everything around me and at the same time I was part of all that there is. My blink, my breath, my thought, send a ripple and made a difference in the Universe!
I felt a floating sensation of peace, settling to rest, in my entire body. It felt so good, I never felt so peaceful and still, and at the same time moving in space with a swishing speed through time and space, in between time and space…. In front of me I saw nothing more than just colors of red and purple, yellow and white in movement. Wise men gave way to my passing through an enormous mileage of space in no time, and at the same time, standing completely still. Yes, it was peaceful, quiet, and silent. I worried about nothing…. I don’t have to worry about anything anymore, EVER!!!….. I ‘d like to stay here forever….. in this deep beautiful and kind love… I never had love of such high grade before in my earthly life. I felt at home and at peace.
Resolved, complete. Satisfied. Settled.
I felt myself just a little speck of cosmic dust.
Yet, an important speck of dust.Star-dust. Star material. Part of what the universe is made of.
I move my finger and the rest of the Universe responds with a ripple effect by moving some part of it too. I say a word, and the rest of the Universe responds by creating something new, gives life to something else, in another form, and this begins an endless process of creating life.
I – create life. Only God creates life.
Therefore, I am like God?
I am part of God. I have God inside me… I am God.
I felt cold sweat and tingle in the back of my head. WHAT???? GOD????
Suddenly, I seemed necessary for me to I begin to want to create more of that… well… life.
I felt that my being so important in the process of creation that without me, there would be no this one particular way of creation, and I must do what it takes to fulfill what I must, so there would be the creation that needs to be there, because I am a crucial part of its process. I must partake. I need to partake. This is why I am here. This is why I am alive.
I had no idea how much time passed while I was having this experience. Must have been a lot. On the other hand, time means nothing where I am right now, so I have no idea, how much time there was on Earth. I thought, perhaps ten or even twenty or thirty minutes of our earthly time. I didn’t care. I was grateful to my facilitator that she knew to wait and not rush me.
I am hanging suspended in happiness. But suddenly it wasn’t so great any more. There is nothing to do, nothing to strive for, there in this continuous happy state, in the heightened pleasure to the highest level of light possible. It was like a continuous mechanically repeated culmination that was replayed and lasted, and lasted, and lasted….. I realized that this happiness had no purpose, no source, no mission, no creativity, just one continuous same, almost exhausting, emptying feeling of culmination, with no resolution, nothingness as a state. I thought, after a while it felt like I was dead, that if I am here, I will be soon forgotten and I haven’t done anything yet to be remembered by. Well, what is my legacy, I asked? What legacy? There is nothing to do, you are already at peace, was the answer. I may as well be dead.
My mind was ever so free. I have not thought. I am so powerful.
Powerful in what? Doing nothing? Some power!
Powerful in nothing.
It still felt good but no longer excited about being so happy with no purpose.
My physical body was getting tired of being happy in being still. I was beginning to feel my body trying to move to change position.
I was debating within my mind. As if two sides of me were struggling to find resolution to what to do next.
Just being up there does not count, you gotta fulfill yourself, live your life, be what you can be!
Couldn’t I do it from here?
What can you do from there? You can’t do your mission, you can’t do your life, or giving to others… Just hanging out there without a mission, is this what you want?
Yes. – It was still a very powerful and desirable sensation.
I was peaceful for a few more moments. Then something happened.
I was beginning to feel fed up with this pointless happy sensation of hanging there without any purpose, particularly that stuff needed to be done on Earth.
I realized: People, seekers, those who need me, are waiting for me. Life needs to go on. I wanted my life to go on. I began to feel that I need to get back to start doing what I need to be doing what I loved to be doing, but then I was suspended in this slow-motion happiness, that lingered, like a gooey thick blob enveloping me in its pleasurable sensations, and wasn’t letting me go, and although it felt great, I was getting ready to move on.
I felt as if waking up like a sleeping Beauty to the reality of life around me. And in the same instant I felt that I cannot come back to Earth without a mission.
Now I am reminded, I am still WITHOUT A MISSION. I knew that much, without a mission one does not have any purpose on Earth. We come here to fulfill our tasks, sometimes more difficult than others, we are here to learn lessons, experience emotions, go through our life, in our physical body, living our life, to its fullest, but we ALL HAVE TO HAVE a mission. I felt it in my body now. I got to have my mission… back.
And even more importantly, suddenly I realized that I was the only one who could fulfill this mission because I was the one who chose my own mission, this task on Earth that I now have to commit to fulfill.
My mission is so important that if I don’t take it, no one could do my part!
In that moment it became important to me that I get my mission back.
So after a moment of hesitation, I humbly asked for my mission to be returned to me.
I spoke to the elders, “Ok, give it back to me!”
So what do you think happened next?
I felt like a truck-load came down on me: the responsibility was heavily dumped onto me, and my body immediately felt so heavy, physically pressed into the surface, and, I felt that by bones are crushing under their own weight, and that I am so never going to be able to feel light again, but you know what?
I felt so happy to have my mission back, now it was mine! Now I was ready to do it! It felt precious to me now and not scary at all…. My eyes were tearing once again as I felt this amazing experience.
What can be more important than knowing and accepting your mission?….
…When I opened my eyes the first word I said was “Wow!”
And for a while it was the only word I could utter.
Now, years later, if I hear a client say “Wow” upon opening their eyes, I know they had an experience worth writing home about.